I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
