From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
