Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
