i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
