I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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