Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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