When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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