I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
