I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
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