i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
