I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
