Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
