Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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