She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Randomize
