3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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