1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
In other news, I just burned my penis
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Randomize
