My pussy is not your playground.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
