I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
