I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You're so nebulous sometimes
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
