Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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