During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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