Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
