You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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