I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just cut my nipple shaving
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
