There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
