Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
