I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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