I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
