he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
whose parrot is this?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
