The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
