Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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