Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
