he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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