woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
