Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
