i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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