Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
