yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
