I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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