i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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