Im at strip club and am horny
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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