News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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