I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
