shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
