Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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