remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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