Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
