every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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