I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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