I just made out with a guy for $7.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Randomize
